


Cold Embrace

by Pita Pan (Lizlow)



Category: Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)
Genre: Bad Ending, Blighted Ending, F/M, Tragic Love Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 03:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15787683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizlow/pseuds/Pita%20Pan
Summary: Please.Please. He’s never wanted something more in his life. He’s never… truly loved someone like her. So, why,whyis the warmth she’s supposed to be so full escaping her? Why,whyis the world that was slowly expanding collapsing in? How,howis the chill that envelops him fair at all?





	Cold Embrace

**Author's Note:**

> **MAJOR SPOILERS** for Okazaki's Blighted Ending! This also involves a bit of content from the Tragic Love SS from CxM U's Limited Edition (thank you for validating my idea, booklet, but also, thanks for the pain). 
> 
> This is a little messy, but I think looking at it longer might make me frustrated! Okazaki's fascinating, and I tried my absolutely best..!

He wraps his arms around her, clinging, as if she’ll disappear. But she, she’s returning that strength, as if telling him to trust her, because she wants to trust him too. What echoes in these movements? What does he really want? What... does she really want? Curving her fingers more in his shirt, she knows his keen senses pick up her heartbeat, but how does it he interpret it?

She can’t tell at all.

“Okazaki-san..?”

“Mm..?”

He kisses the top of her head, he’s so close to her, the adorable “ _Neko-san”_ that became his  _one_. But a question still rises from her, lingering on the tip of her touch before she manages to let it out.

“Why... Why do you feel so cold?”

Distant? His body? Whatever could she mean by that?

He pulls back a bit, so he can look her in the eyes, and smile his usual smile, “Because, Ichika-chan, my heart stopped when I thought I couldn’t see you..”

“Geez...” Ichika pouts, shaking her head, “that’s... not fair, Okazaki-san.”

“It’s because you’re no fair.”

He says it so casually that her heart feels like it, too, might stop. How embarrassing... but, there’s something deeper, something troublesome still brewing, as though this distance might solidify, as though his meaning of shielding her, even now, is for meaning.

“Well, with a face as red as that, you’ll warm me up, right~?”

“Eh..?!” She’s not winning this at all! Yet, that frost is worrying, ever still. She knows there’s a lot Okazaki must come to on his own terms, but if there’s any chance at all, that she can see this through to the end with him, then she wants to.

The words she can’t say yet, but she wants to. She’ll tell him when it’s over. Push through, finish to the truth, as far as they can. He, whose been by her side for all this time, how long can they live their lives? She wants to... be beside him, protect him just as he has her. Evenness, fairness, hope. For all the things that have been breathed, for hope.

For closure.

For...

_It’ll be okay. I can’t run. I want to know the truth, and stop X-Day from happening. And... I hope that the time can come where Okazaki-san can be happy._

How can she manage something to put her at ease, so that they’ll keep working together, so that she can get to know him more, so that their days will not be numbered so? _Think, think, think..!_

Once she manages to pull back enough, and his hand moves to, as usual, grab her own, it hits her, and she tries to make the first move on it. Kei is faster, snatching her hands up, but she cannot back down now, she decides, in full, and fights to wrap her pinky around his.

“I see...” Kei says, nodding, “It’s no good to worry you at a~ll.”

Putting her lips together, Ichika returns the nod with assured determination. Where did her words go? Did the SP officer become a thief and steal them away?

“Okay~ One, two--” And Kei, not missing a beat, squeezes her pinky and rocks their hands back and forth just slightly, as he and Ichika begin the chant.

“Cut a finger... should you lie~”

Even when the gesture is complete, Kei doesn’t let go. Perhaps it’s because he had planned to hold her hand anyway, his entire body moving closer to her as he plays more and more into the fun he’s having teasing her. “Ehhhh? Wait... Does that mean if I break it, I’ll have to break my fingers? Ichika-chan, that’s cruel,” he frowns, but no one could call it real, by any means, “You’ll have to take responsibility if that happens and be my hands.”

“That’s, that’s not it, Okazaki-san!” Ichika quickly says, “A-And, wait, please don’t actually--!” Her protests are lost in the moment, and soon she gets caught up in his smile, finding herself going with the slight swing of their hands. Flustered, she tries to regain her footing in her words. Where does the seriousness begin and the seriousness end? Would he really be about losing it all for her?

Why?

_Why?_

**Why**?

A world without the other “isn’t worth living” would be the first thought but, really, if one is to pass, then who would be there to share the good stories, the bad ones, bumpy, smooth, even one encounter can impact a person, forever. There’s so much that they haven’t experienced.

“Mmn! It’s a promise.”

Given the time frame... please, don’t let the ice shatter.

\---

The scene is has been set, arriving in the nick of time. Sanjou gives them their build to a finale, and now, in what looks like an abandoned church, in this underground hideout, Kei and Ichika face off their  _true_ opponents. Kei fires at their on-site leader, and at the same moment, another pistol is charged. Kei’s bullet? It hits his mark. But, it is silent to him, for only a single gunshot punctures the air, echoing throughout the near-empty corridors. The reverberation is piercing, causing the tension to rise even more. Harder to breathe, harder to think. Time seems to slow, even if it’s mere seconds. The truth of the matter does not escape him.

Indeed, he knows it, instantly.

The other bullet didn’t fly from her gun. And the knees hitting the ground? Those are hers.

“Ichika-chan!”

He rushes to her side. A swear, a promise, an oath, meaningless. How are they — how is  _he_ — worth a damn thing if he can’t even do the one job he has in this world?

Please.  _Please_. He’s never wanted something more in his life. He’s never... truly loved someone like her. So, why,  _why_ is the warmth she’s supposed to be so full escaping her? Why,  _why_ is the world that was slowly expanding collapsing in? How,  _how_ is the chill that envelops him fair at all? Lips, quivering, trying to smile, trying to tell him that it’s alright.

“Oka... zaki...san... I... Pro... You... Li...”

 _Save you strength. Don’t leave me. You can’t die. You absolutely cannot die._   _I won’t forgive you, I won’t forgive you, for leaving me alone. So shut up. Shut up and focus on--!!_

He hates that he sizes up the situation so quickly. She’s beyond help. That flame flickers out, and she’s gone. No longer will he see her smile.

No longer will he hear her laugh.

The tears he can never wipe again, the hand he will never hold again. He grabs it, it’s freezing. Her forehead lurches forward, and if it wasn’t for his own, she would have already fallen over entire. Limb, soulless, he can’t see her eyes, once such a lively green, but he knows they have lost their gleam.

He, _he_ was supposed to protect her, not the other way around.

Why,  _why_ is he alive?

Why,  _why_ isn’t it her?

Why,  _why_ can’t he just... die?

He had told her, told her that it meant  _everything_ to him to have her there, supporting him. His most precious person, the one that helped open the treasure box he was missing, who so stubbornly stared back at him and got angry at him when he continued to bear things alone. The reason he promised himself into a future, that he wanted. All these words had been the only thing he could bake without burning to a crisp, but even that much failed.

Without her, what future is there?

He presses the barrel of his pistol to his head, swearing that it’s the only wisp of warmth left in this forsaken place. Yet, her words run through his head, and despite being so close, he press the finger that’s on the trigger down. Always being saved. Always using space. Things are simpler when he’s asleep.

Things were better with her in his future.

Maybe it’s her spirit’s hand touching his own, preventing him from letting everything else go. She, the one afraid of horror stories, becoming a ghost to make him remember her words, her will.  _Live... and share the memories..._ No matter how little, no matter how many more he wanted. What is he to do? How will he be able to do anything she wanted, when he was only beginning to see the sun, the moon, and the stars? When he was just waking up?

She’d... want him to try.

He broke one promise. The one to protect her. So, he absolutely cannot fail to carry out her last will. That is a cause... worth dying for.

_Ah, that’s no good... She... would tell me it’s worth living for. But I wanted..._

Kei lets out a weak, knowing laugh, and only does the sound of footsteps move his attention from her, to the source. Still, he supports her body as best he can, pulling his gun away from himself to aim at the new opponent. The one that must be the boss, the cause of all this. The reason she’s no longer able to fight the battle that she didn’t run from.

“You--! I’ll stop you and expose Adonis! It was her last wish, and she entrusted it to me!”

But speeches are merely speeches, and actions speak much louder. Yet again, bullet grazes the air, blackens the sky. Sharp, mere seconds, and then nothing but tunneled, fading, and the blurring hallucination of  _her_ in a plain white dress, stained, breaking, and floating away.

\---

His eyes open slowly. Never has he slept so poorly. Funny, the man who can sleep with no problem in an alleyway, feeling like this upon waking. But, there’s reason for that. His body, weak, sore, as though he’s been lying there for months.

And if feels like he’s just come out of a nightmare.

“..! Okazaki-senpai!”

Hazily, Kei looks over to where the rather noisy voice comes from, recognizing who it belongs to as Yoshinari Hideaki, a fellow officer. By the looks of it, he’s been coming often. Has he been watching his heart beat, awaiting eagerly the day Kei will once again rise from the ashes. His faith, loyalty, despite the antics, is unwavering. The thing he just set down -- is that Kei’s badge?

“Yoshinari-kun, too loud~” He manages. If the younger didn’t know the true condition of his superior, then he’d be ready to bolt.

“A-Ah, yes...” Yoshinari does his best to lower his voice, but he can’t contain his relief that Kei is finally awake, “You... you were asleep for two months, Senpai. It’s February 26th. We didn’t think you would make it...”

But Kei, Kei is stubborn. He simply wouldn’t die that easily. Yet, somehow, he feels like he shouldn’t have been that lucky.

> _“Goodbye, Okazaki Kei. I sincerely hope your sorrow will be crystallized in this world._ ”

Where... did those words come from? No, he knows it. But he can’t believe it, or perhaps it’s because he hasn’t pieced it all back together quite yet.

Soon enough, he’ll be back home, in that big, empty apartment with the bare walls and the forgotten roomba base that he always forgets to dispose of, joking that he’s wanting for the little cleaning machine to return home. Perhaps he’ll go into his kitchen with the utensils that are barely used.

Wait, did someone use them? Is that why thinking of that stings?

“It’s past your birthday, so I went all out in getting you those really rare snacks for when you woke up. Never hurts to be stocked up..!”

“Yoshinari-kun, tsk, tsk, what did I just say about volume?”

“Forgive me for my absolute rudeness, sir!”

 _Really, he never learns_. He’ll punish him another day. His mind is elsewhere, his heart elsewhere. It worries Yoshinari to see Kei like this, but he knows why. He understands. It had been serious back then, and even more so now. At least, he think he does, given the down that drapes him.

There’s plenty of things on his bedside table. Kei decides he’ll sift through them later. The others can be so sentimental. Though, among that pile of snacks, letters, and wrappings, there lays his phone, powered off. He feels the need, the need to hold it, to go back, to the days before he ended up in that coma.

It takes no time for the observant Yoshinari to see where Kei’s attention falls. With no reason to object, when he knows Kei  _will_ recall if he hasn’t already, given his scary good memory and overall power, Yoshinari powers on the phone and hands it over.

Once the phone is in his hand, it hits him that the small device  _freezing_ , foreign. His heart is racing. Him... anxious? It’s weird. He can barely get his fingers to cooperate, his grip so weak that he nearly drops his device. As soon as he hits LEAF, to check his past, to understand more about what he’s missing, what happened, he sees a name that causes everything else to go blank.

He can’t help but click on the message history, scrolling slowly. Each second that passes takes more and more away from him. The glass heart that was cleaned up, cracks.

**[ FROM: ICHIKA-CHAN~ (♡ >ω< ♡) ]**

> Please, take care of yourself.  
>  It’s dangerous... and I’m worried.

**[ FROM: OKAZAKI KEI ]**

> (´•ω•̥`)

**[ FROM: YOSHINARI-KUN (*´ω｀)o ]**

> Okazaki-senpai’s like a phoenix  
>  And a wolf!  
>  That’s why, Hoshino-san, I think he absolutely won’t die!!  
>  Yesterday, I--

**[ FROM: OKAZAKI KEI ]**

> Yoshinari-kun~  
>  (｡+･`ω･´)

**[ FROM: YOSHINARI-KUN (*´ω｀)o ]**

> (╥_╥) Sorry...

_Worried_... The exchange between himself and Yoshinari seems typical, but the rest involved... He recalls his mission, everything, but why is that part, the piece weighing so heavily, fuzzy? He reads more, to a section from a few days later.

**[ FROM: ICHIKA-CHAN~ (♡ >ω< ♡) ]**

> ヾ(＾∇＾) Thank you, Okazaki-san!  
>  Good night. Sleep well.

**[ FROM: OKAZAKI KEI ]**

> Yes, yes  
>  ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡   
>  It’ll be lonely without you... but good night   
>  Sweet dreams, Ichika-chan.   
>  Tomorrow, I’ll be by your side again~

Everything is falling into place. It hurts, it hurts, so much that it’s  _numbing_. He doesn’t stop reading, because he wants to be sure. He doesn’t even realize that he’s crying by this point, the wet lines falling left first, then right. But everything... is wrong. It’s really wrong. The worst, the absolute worst. Is it her, whose image flashes before him, sending a shutter down the spine that rarely did so?

**[ FROM: ICHIKA-CHAN~ (♡ >ω< ♡) ]**

> I’m sorry.  
>  I’m sorry for being reckless  
>  For going this far without saying anything.   
>  But I, I don’t want to lose you.  
>  If I say I hate you, would you finally be free?  
>  Would you promise me to live a life for yourself?  
>  Live for your own choices and not duty  
>  Not with the end in mind.  
>  Please promise me that, for my sake.   
>  I’m not running away from this, so  
>  I want you to trust me.   
>  I’m going to fight until the very end.   
>  We’ll protect each other.  
>  Okazaki-san,  
>  I want you to live.

“I..chi...ka...chan...”

 _Ah_.

That’s it. The blur in memory, the reason for his heartache. The only person he had ever truly loved, gone. A pillar, the one he  _needed_ , gone. Was his subconscious blocking it to spare him?  _Ha,_ what length  _that_ lasted. As if he could ever truly forget her. A reset wouldn’t do anything for him, because the impact would linger. She’s stitched in the seams, forever.

“Hey, Yoshinari-kun...”

“Y-Yes, senpai?!”

“Is Ichika-chan alright?”

“A-Ah... That’s...” Kei can hear it in Yoshinari’s tone as he speaks. That typical,  _adorable_ , easy-to-tease pep dissipates, the seriousness sounds pained. Of course, the two of them know each other well. Even a couple months of being knocked off the job won’t change that. “S-She’s...”

He already knows the answer. He saw it with his own eyes. The reason why she isn’t here right now, the reason they won’t grow old together, until they’re a grandpa and grandma.

She wanted him to live.

“I... wanted to live with you.”

_When you die, that’s it. Nothing... No sadness, no pain, but no joy either. No warmth..._

“They... found this on her,” Yoshinari chooses an envelope that sat atop of the others on Kei’s bedside, handing it to him, “I took one look at the handwriting, and know it had to get to you, when you woke up..!” So he had fate that he would live... huh. Did he see that scene too, then? The aftermath of it... sorrow, destruction, she’s not here anymore, and everyone is sad.

His fault..? He, the one whose job it was to protect, failed. In turn, once again, he was protected. He’s  _Security Police_. She wasn’t.

Kei carefully opens it, revealing a piece of paper, which he unfolds. A photo set slips out, but the words are what he focuses on first.

_Okazaki Kei-san,_

_To the you who smiles, no matter how real it is. To the you who stuck by my side, who became part of my life. Thank you for this past month. Please, don’t let go of yourself. My last wish is for you to live on. Kazuki, Yoshinari-san, Yanagi-san, and everyone. You’re apart of their lives too._

_So, to the you who has become so close. I give you my warmth. Writing this is embarrassing, but I have to say it somewhere. I’ve always wanted to tell you this._

_Okazaki-san, I love you._

_That’s why, you absolutely can’t give up._

_For me._

_\- Hoshino Ichika_

Her wishes, he needs to fulfill them, even if this pain weighs him, even if things will be different. There will never be another like her. So, even if he can pull off his usual step, will there be reason? Or will he be just as frozen, just as empty?  _Ahh, pathetic_. Useless, meaningless, how can he do his job when he’s failed, so many times?

Finally, he makes his way to the pictures.  _These_... He is unable to speak as he looks them over. One is blurry -- he remembers taking it with her and then sending it to her on LEAF, the other is a lot more clear, featuring people from Yanagi’s Detective Agency as well. Both have cute decorations placed around them.  _She’s... adorable..._

There’s a few more words on the back, so he reads them.

_I hope these will work until things settle down, and we can go into the purikura booth together properly. You said you wanted to, right?_

Yes, he remembers mentioning that. With an ear-to-ear smile, he wrapped his arms around her back. Despite her  _I’m no good with technology,  if I can get a little of how cute you are, I don’t mind if the ghost wants to bomb it a bit~._ protests, she looked right at the camera, and when he showed it her, he said that it’d look better if they could play more. She commented on how out of focus the picture was, and he laughed,  _“Mmm, Yoshinari-kun really does say Ehhh? Ouuuch, that’s mean, Ichika-chan, hitting my arm like that. It’s okay. He’ll only try to scare you a little bit... like... ...Boo!”_

It’s silent in the room, following this, until Kei speaks a single word:

“...Unfair...”

 _Life_ isn’t great.  _Nothing_ is right now. These emotions bubble and burst, a storm that simply will not give up. Fear, fury, he’s caught in limbo. Why isn’t this actually a bad dream? If he closes his eyes, will he wake back up? Or if this is real, and the frigid taps that dance up his back are not a lie, then maybe he can go back to sleep.

Is this what others meant when they said it would hurt to have someone gone? Would she have felt the same for him?

“Good night...” Yoshinari says carefully. He’ll be back tomorrow, if he can. There needs to be observing. There needs to be time. “I’ll come again tomorrow.”

Separated, grieving, he’s not alone in this, if Yoshinari’s any indication. There will be offered hands. They won’t be hers, but the ones of the others important to her. There’s a little brother to keep company, a subordinate to tease, and a whole agency to banter with. Things will be different.

How much more sleep will he be getting? Maybe he can get those pillows she had, the really soft ones, maybe --

 _Haa..._ his head hurts. Too much at once. He has to stop.

Forcing a smile, running his tears, he blankly lays upon his bed. Tomorrow is another day, and recovery for his body it shall still make. He looks upon the empty space, imagining if she were there. Her voice, the promises he shares. Could he get through the next day, if he lived for her? Could he think about many more morrows, if he fought for her? Is just the memory of her strong enough?

He’ll try. She wants him to try.

To get past this. To be as strong as she was. He’ll pinky swear the air if he has to. It’ll all take time, but, little by little, he’ll try trust her words. That life can be better. That there are small things in the memories to share. That this pain means he really did experience love, and there’s still more emotions like this in store for him.

Hoshino Ichika stills grants him gifts, even now, even if she isn’t by his side anymore.

Kei sees her, again in that white dress, her head resting on the pillow next to him. Her eyes are closed, breathing soft. He moves his arm, weakly, only to watch it fall flat against the bed, instead of around her.

Desperation. Exhaustion. Perhaps everything keeping his body fighting, anything could have caused this. It does not alter what is.

“Hey, Ichika-chan, it’s really lonely without you...” His grin doesn’t fade, but a broken gaze feeds the man’s image, proving his entire soul drained, “So you have to double promise to be in my dreams~”

And gradually his eyelids shut, slumber once again becoming his best friend, his fondness of sleeping, and his ability, too, becoming his crutch. As darkness falls, his body closes, embracing nothing but the chilly night air, his imagination, and desperation, stuck on the warm bell of her.


End file.
